I Miss The Old Me, But She'd Be Proud Of Herself Now

Tuesday 11 October 2022

Tonight I looked in the mirror and I felt deep loss for the person I used to be. And it's true. I miss the old me. When I refer to her, I'm talking about the me I was before the pandemic - the girl in her early twenties, not mid

I feel as though I lived more unapologetically, more carefree and yet had it all planned out - but now I'm approaching my late twenties and... well, it just all feels a bit much. I can't even decide what colour to get my hair done next week and it feels as though I'm going through some kind of huge shift.

Pre-pandemic Mollie was 22, had just moved to London and had huge plans for a fresh start. I had work placements for glossy magazines lined up and I was completely convinced that I would fall in love with 'the one' within a matter of months. By now shouldn't I be in love and on-track to moving in with said beau? Shouldn't I have a firm five-year life plan?  

Happy, free, confused. and lonely in the best way - 22 was meant to be my most bright and beautiful year where I'd lay the foundations for my life, but instead it was filled with staying indoors like the rest of the world and resitting my final year of university due to poor mental health. 

I'm not too sure whether it's the pandemic's doing or if being in your mid-twenties generally feels like this, but it feels like I've lost out, missed out, and had a chunk of my twenties ripped away from me.

I'm now 25 and it feels like I'm running out of time to fall in love, make friends and have fun. Obviously this is stupid because I have SO much life ahead of me - but because everything seems to have happened so fast yet slow, it feels as though I'm ancient and falling behind.

Hell, I've never even kissed anyone. Nor have I been to a club. And I'm socially awkward for f*ck's sake. Half the people I know that are my age have three kids, or are engaged, or married, or own their own home - or have done all four and bought the t-shirt in the process.

But then I remember that I'm pretty successful, and the younger me would be so very proud of the lovely life she has made for herself - even though she might still be a total hopeless-romantic-verging-on-spinster.

Little me, teenage me and 22-year-old me would be so amazed at everything - and that's why I need to remind myself that I'm doing just fine. More than fine actually. I'm kind of bossing life.

I've got a First-Class Honours Degree in Journalism and a PGCert in Digital Media, Culture and Society; I work for a national newspaper; I have written for the publications I once glued the mastheads of to my vision board; I live in the capital city; and all in all, I'm very blessed to have my life.

And the main thing? I'm happy – like really happy. Sure, I take antidepressants, am still socially awkward, a bit anxious sometimes and moody some of the time and overthink a bit too much - but honestly? My life is incredible and I am so grateful.

I honestly don't miss my 'old life' at all... so why do I miss the old me? 

Maybe it's time to bring a bit of the old Mollie's sass back... Oh, and is it time to channel Taylor Swift yet too? The old Mollie can't come to the phone because she's dead – and the new one is actually better. 

I think it's safe to say that the old me would be proud of herself now.

Are you in your twenties? Do you feel like you're going through an identity crisis? Like you've accidentally hit fast-forward on your life's remote control? Let me know in the comments section below.

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